I'm Ellen Nguyen, a Director in Financial Services, writer, author, and content creator based in London. This newsletter, Thoroughly Lived, is my space to explore and express depth, including personal essays written entirely by me, no AI. But I do use it as a thinking partner, which is why you'll find an AI assistant corner at the end of each piece, breaking down the concepts I explore.
When I went on my healing journey back in 2019, a concept that became central to my progress and ultimate transformation was parenting my inner child. I was in my early 20s then, and by the time I made it to the therapist’s office, I had gone through many traumatising breakups and carried deep pain and shame because of them. It was particularly hard to navigate those years abroad on a work visa in London without parents, a stable home, or a plan B to fall back on.
Through therapy, I learned that underneath the wrong choices, so-called mistakes, and shameful coping behaviours were actually my completely valid needs which were unfortunately expressed in destructive ways and expected to be met by the wrong people. The inner child in me carried those fundamental needs for connection, love, and safety, which weren’t fully provided for growing up, the core wounds from my broken relationship with my dad, and adaptive beliefs about who I was and how to survive in this world.
That child was hurting, and the adult me wasn’t doing anything to help her. In fact, I exposed her in the worst ways possible, and she was screaming for help while I buried her deeper in shame. There came a moment when I didn’t know what I was doing anymore, and I realised the only way out was through - facing her, admitting the abuse I’d been inflicting on her, recognising my responsibility, agency, power, and saving her.
That was the most profound lesson of my 20s that led to stability, security, and abundance. I learned to parent my inner child. I was an adult. An adult cannot be abandoned. Adults simply part ways. As an adult, I can show up for myself, meet my own needs, and give myself compassion. I can draw boundaries and leave harmful situations. I can make good choices for myself. I went on to surround myself with relationships that make me feel safe and loved. I look around now, and I’m very proud of the life I’ve built for myself, powered by this inner work.
That said, the journey of self-discovery is never-ending. In fact, to me, it’s the most rewarding, interesting part of life, if not the biggest mystery of the universe. It’s unique, and no blueprint can be found. And I’ve got a gift to thoroughly examine it. Now at 32, I’ve come into yet another epiphany. There isn’t just the inner child I need to look after; there’s also the shadow self that demands my attention and the real estate of my reality. And oh my, does it know how to do exactly that!
If the inner child is about wounds from the past, the shadow is about the parts of yourself you've suppressed or have never made enough space for. And before you know it, it’ll find a way to make its presence known and take over the driver's seat of your life.
In retrospect, during my healing journey, I had to lock away or overlook certain parts of myself, either because I thought they were not compatible with the new life I wanted for myself, or the adult self in me overcorrected to make sure I didn’t repeat my past patterns. Those parts - the intensity, the hunger, the dangerous depth. My priority was security, and I was too busy building the foundations of my life to tend to all the parts - they weren’t essential then either.
But now, at 32, I have all the resources I need, a career that allows me to be a true independent woman. I feel fully free from all the relationship traumas of my early 20s. It feels like a new era. And finally, I have the capacity - and safety - to look at these parts in shadow. Now that survival isn’t the default mode anymore, they suddenly felt essential again. They urged to be known.
Last year, I started a new job as a Director, and it’s been the most growth I’ve had professionally and personally in a long time. As I exposed myself to and absorbed new experiences, I was forced to look deeply inside myself and examine my truths, once again. What was really running the show? Why was I doing what I was doing? What was I not looking at? And so I met my shadow self, the self I’d left behind in 2019. I realised then I had missed her intensely. She wasn’t “unacceptable.” She was beautiful, compelling, and magnetic. I had no safe container for her then, but now I’m capable of creating one for her.
I understand now that the next step is integration. It means acknowledging her, validating her, and finding healthy ways for her to express herself and have her needs met. And gradually working towards trusting her fully. The shadow can come into light, and both the adult and the inner child can safely, joyfully exist together. So I can be one again, but even more powerful. I can continue to choose what’s good for me and experience real, meaningful intimacy. My choices will be all mine, coming from the whole of me. I know I’m happiest when I’m honest with myself, when I embrace my truths, when I’m deepened, when I live thoroughly.
AI Assistant Corner 🤖
A closer look at the concepts in this piece
The Inner Child
The inner child is the part of your psyche that carries the emotional imprint of your earliest experiences — unmet needs, core wounds, and beliefs you formed in childhood to survive. When those needs go unmet, they don't disappear. They get carried into adulthood, quietly shaping your choices, relationships, and how you treat yourself.
Reparenting is the adult self learning to show up for that younger part — offering compassion, meeting your own needs consciously, and making choices that protect rather than expose your most vulnerable parts.
The Shadow Self
The shadow, a concept developed by Carl Jung, is the collection of parts of yourself that got exiled because they were deemed unacceptable — pushed into the unconscious, but never truly gone.
It holds two kinds of material. The dark shadow — rage, jealousy, manipulation, selfishness. And the golden shadow — confidence, intensity, ambition, power — parts that felt too threatening or incompatible with who you needed to be.
The shadow makes itself known through projection, self-sabotage, and the persistent feeling that something essential is missing even when life looks good.
Shadow Integration
Integration isn't about becoming your shadow. It's about acknowledging these parts exist, understanding where they came from, and finding healthy channels for the energy they carry.
It means naming what's there without flinching. Getting curious about its origin. Separating the underlying need from the destructive expression. And stopping punishing yourself for having it — because shame is precisely what keeps shadow parts exiled.
The parts you refuse to see run your life unconsciously. The parts you've genuinely met lose their power over you.
Why It Matters
Suppression is exhausting. Integration frees that energy. It makes you harder to destabilize, deepens your capacity for real intimacy, and makes your choices genuinely yours — coming from the whole of you, not just the parts you've approved of.
Most importantly, it makes you more fully yourself.